TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A silent atrium wherever attendees might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting notice from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD may have flip-down company."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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